Do we truly love each other in the church?

In one of my religion courses, I asked participants to say something in a personal way about the church -- either in the form of an essay or in poetry or song or by an artistic creation. They had much freedom of what form their words or images would take.  I received many thoughtful and beautiful pieces.  One of the most striking testimonies came from a dear friend of mine from the Caribbean island nation of  St. Lucia, writing in urgent, stream-of-consciousness fashion.  Evodia evokes our heartfelt response.  She speaks of  struggles within what is supposed to be the loving community of the church.  How often within the body of Christ, the church, do we leave individual members feeling similar aches and distress?  How often do we forget what Christ's apostle urged of us? 

• By the grace given me I say to every one of you: Do not think of yourself more highly than you ought, but rather think of yourself with sober judgment, in accordance with the faith God has distributed to each of you.  For just as each of us has one body with many members, and these members do not all have the same function, so in Christ we, though many, form one body, and each member belongs to all the others. ... Be devoted to one another in love. Honor one another above yourselves.  Never be lacking in zeal, but keep your spiritual fervor, serving the Lord. Be joyful in hope, patient in affliction, faithful in prayer. Share with the Lord’s people who are in need. Practice hospitality.  Bless those who persecute you; bless and do not curse. Rejoice with those who rejoice; mourn with those who mourn. Live in harmony with one another. Do not be proud, but be willing to associate with people of low position. Do not be conceited.  (Romans 12:3-5, 10-16).

I pray you will appreciate Evodia's honest expressions of hurt and hope ... and that we all find greater hope and love in community with one another.  This is a longer-than-usual item here on The Electric Gospel blog, but well worth your time.  

Running on Empty

by Evodia Cassius

I wish I were able to truly express how I feel. This my sixth attempt to write this essay and the words still do not pour out of me naturally. I am hesitant and unsettled. I guess my title “Running on Empty” is proving itself to be true on many accounts. Apart from the five failed attempts at this paper, I also have two failed poetry attempts and two failed paintings. Honestly the paintings were not failures, they just do not accurately express my story.  Neither did the poetry or the other writing attempts. Hence this blog entry … this series of blog entries. This real-life talking style about my failed successes and empty full life. The irony is painful. As I write, the butterflies in my stomach seem not to enjoy the frenzy in my head because they are trying their best to escape. This is my story, my blog, my irony.

Insanity

Shy? Afraid? Unsure? Quitter, deserter, pitiful coward, downer … these are not me. So why do I feel like it is becoming second nature to be all these things? Why do such attributes seem to be the very essence that makes up this temporary dwelling in which my soul lives? Why has living become so hard? Why do I feel defeated before I even attempt something? And more, why do I keep trying if I know that the outcome will be the same?  I am beginning think that I MISSED SOME IMPORTANT LESSON that God attempted to teach me, so as a result I go through and do the same things over and over again expecting a change. The very definition of insanity.

Broken

Helpless, needy, clingy, desperate, attention-seeking … these are not me. But someone said even though you glue the pieces back together, you can still see the cracks. Someone else said once it is broken—though you may make the unit whole again—the element is now weaker than it originally was. If these theories are true, what can be said for something that is repeatedly broken and smashed? Does it not stand to reason that one day like Humpty Dumpty the pieces will not be able to be put back together again?  I wear a mask. A façade, a camouflage, if you would like to call it that. Something that hides the cracks and the holes where the pieces that once were are now lost.  Yes I admit it, I am broken.  … And just when I think that by some miracle I am healed and whole, something bumps me over again, reminding of how weak my structure is, of how fragile I have grown over the years. Of how unstable I really am.

Empty

Depressed, sad, lonely, losing faith? These are not me.  A priest once told me that questions do not equal lack of faith. I agreed; it was more my curious nature that drove the questions. But when the questions have been answered and yet still they linger or they resurface, a door is opened. A door that allows more things to come in, but not go out. This door brings past hurts and darkness creeping back in. Slowly but surely, the once brightly-painted room is overcome with a darkness, and the fear is that all the light will be gone.

“What brought all this about?” you may ask. God, the devil, myself? That is an excellent question. You see, I had thought not too long ago that life was splendid. Grand with images of butterflies and rainbows behind every corner. Allow me to explain what I believe happened.

Seeing the light

You know that feeling when some startling revelation occurs, when a conspiracy is uncovered, when some big holes are poked into something you thought was all good? That feeling you get of deep despair and confusion and a stomach ache that you cannot explain? That is the feeling that I felt. That is what I experienced. I came to this unknown place with the best of intentions. I was told, “You will be among God-fearing people, people who believe in the same thing you believe. People who love God just as much as you do.”  And that brought me face to face with a painful irony … I love God … but I don’t love you?  The Bible itself asks how can you love someone you cannot see but hate the people you see.  “Whoever claims to love God yet hates a brother or sister is a liar. For whoever does not love their brother and sister, whom they have seen, cannot love God, whom they have not seen” (1 John 4:20).

So which love is it? Which love will mine be?  Which love will be in the hearts of those around me?  It’s hard to come to terms with love within the church when the church has lost the love it had at first (Revelation 2:3).  Where is love when your loyalty to God is measured on your attendance statistics at each and every religious service, and not on how you treat and relate to the people in your very presence?  Where is love when you can have a conversation with someone now, and five minutes later not acknowledge their presence? Where is love when you are treated differently because you are different, or just because?  When judgment is cast without knowledge of the person?   It is sad. It is hurtful. It is infuriating.

I asked my mother, “How can they say they love God, my God, and behave the way they do? Is it just me? Am I the wrong one?”  I pray almost constantly, “God, if I am at fault, help me see and help me change.”  But it had gotten increasingly difficult to deal with life within the lukewarmness of my surroundings.  Increasingly difficult to smile, to be, to live.  A minister friend tells me, “You are exactly where God wants you to be.” And I need to believe this because it is the only thing that keeps me going at times. But is it true … or is it a means of pacification so I stop questioning things? I am not saying that I am the only person who struggles, and the Lord knows that my issues may be rather insignificant compared to others. So who am I to complain? But I do feel empty and low. I feel like a failure because I am not happy where I am. God has richly blessed me and all my endeavors; he always has. I cannot say that he has ever left my side. But where I am at the moment feels wrong … in my gut, in my soul. Sometimes if feels like everything around me is rejecting me, telling me constantly, “You do not belong. Something here is different, you are the odd one out, a foreigner that has infiltrated and is not wanted. A cancer. A poison.” I walk into a room and people go quiet. Conversations cease and people walk away. People’s attitudes towards me change overnight. I am not so self-centered to think that I am always the topic of conversation, but I am old enough to know when life is like high school all over again.

Should I stay in my room and brood or cry?  That’s not me.  I feel like I need to stifle myself and change to be accepted as one of the masses. That’s not me. I do not want to fit in, be one with all others, if being one of the masses means that I am no longer an individual but a drone. I want the respect I deserve.  I deserve it not because of the color of my skin or the country of my origin, not because I am better than anyone else. I deserve respect as a child of God – not because I have not done anything to deserve that title.  But the Lord has lavished his love on me and called me his own in Christ (1 John 3:1).  And, I will remember, the Lord has called many others as his children too – people different from me, people not like me.  And we owe each other love and respect as fellow brothers and sisters in Christ.

Prayer

Lord, help what Paul prayed be true for me.  Help what Paul prayed be true for those around me.  Help us, within your body, your church, to be more and more filled with the love of Christ and with love for one another. …

• I pray that out of his glorious riches, the Father may strengthen you with power through his Spirit in your inner being,  so that Christ may dwell in your hearts through faith. And I pray that you, being rooted and established in love,  may have power, together with all the Lord’s holy people, to grasp how wide and long and high and deep is the love of Christ,  and to know this love that surpasses knowledge—that you may be filled to the measure of all the fullness of God (Ephesians 3:16-19).

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Note of upcoming course:

·         THE8113 Connecting Young Adults to the Church   
(1 credit)
A study and discussion of issues regarding young adults' involvement in churches and member ministry. Participants engage in Bible study and discussion of practical issues related to ministry with youth/young adults.
Instructor: David Sellnow

·         July 15 - July 26 Online

·         Register via MLC Continuing Education