God doesn't hold grudges

Author's name withheld by her request

She could not forgive herself. She was convinced that God was angry with her over her sins. She felt the need to keep begging for forgiveness as though God were holding a grudge against her. She just assumed that until God was satisfied that she had suffered enough for her sin, he would not help her if she prayed for help. The reason this woman felt this way was because, as a child, someone would grow coldly silent for long periods of time and hold grudges against her. She tried and tried to get forgiveness but nothing worked. As a child, she didn’t have many experiences and this was normal to her. She ended up translating this behavior to God.

Maybe you endured someone’s silent anger when you were growing up. Maybe it is happening now. Maybe you tried and tried without success to get this person to forgive you. As a result of this, you may have a hard time forgiving yourself, thinking that God is treating you the same way. Maybe you feel like you can’t be forgiven. Maybe you can’t forgive yourself.

God is not like this. He did not wait until you “suffered enough” to send Jesus to be your Savior. If he had, Jesus never would have come, because we deserve nothing less than eternal suffering for our sins. “But God demonstrates his own love for us in this: while we were still sinners, Christ died for us” (Romans 5:8).  Jesus died for you when there was nothing good in you. That is how much he loves you. Because Jesus was punished for you, your sins have been forgiven in full. “He was pierced for our transgressions, he was crushed for our iniquities; the punishment that brought us peace was on him, and by his wounds we are healed” (Isaiah 53:5).  There is no need to earn your forgiveness by begging God. Your forgiveness was accomplished when Jesus died on the cross. When he looks at you, God sees Jesus’ righteousness in place of your sins. Because of this, you can live in peace, knowing that Jesus already did everything necessary for you to be forgiven. God does not hold grudges, no matter what it is you have done. Like Jesus said to the woman caught in adultery, he will say to you, “‘Then neither do I condemn you…Go now and leave your life of sin’” (John 8:11).