Let's not make life more difficult for those who've been affected by hurtful sins

A dear friend of mine wrote the following thoughts about life as she's experienced it.  Her message is something we in the church need to consider.

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My Life as a Child of Divorce

Author’s name withheld

I am a product of divorce.  It has surrounded me my entire life.  As a child, it defined me.  As an adult, it scares me.  In the United States, an estimated fifty percent of marriages end in divorce.  That means when you get married, there is a high chance it will fail.  In our churches, we believe that there are two biblical causes for divorce: malicious desertion and marital unfaithfulness.   The divorces that impacted me fell into such a category.  It didn’t matter though.  In the church I was treated differently because of them.   My parents were divorced – so of course I must be a troubled child.  At least that’s how everyone made me feel. 

I was too young to remember my parents getting divorced.  As I started school, however—a church-sponsored school—I started to notice that I was being treated differently than the other students.  For one, I was new and the other kids just kind of looked at me funny.  Second, I was always naughty.  Maybe I played into the assumptions, sure.  If I was going to get reprimanded, might as well get to enjoy what I would be scolded for.  This was first grade.  As school continued, it got worse.  Although I did make friends, you would never hear me talk about my parents and their being divorced.  I knew divorce was bad, and I would get embarrassed and worried for my parents spiritual lives when we would talk about the 6^th commandment in school.  “You shall not commit adultery.” Divorce means adultery.  It would click in my head, and I would sit there and not say anything about it in class. I sometimes wonder if my teachers ever noticed that it bothered me. 

Time moved on and I ignored things and was still “talking too much” or “not listening.” I would dread the talk on commandments but school was school. It was normal. 

In my 6^th grade year, my mom got married again.  He was a great guy;  my sister and I really liked him.  But later, we found out he was a struggling drug addict.  In 6^th grade, you are just turning into a teenager; you’re awkward, and you care way too much what your friends think.   As selfish as it is, I didn’t think too much on the fact that my family was falling apart but more at the idea of my mom getting ANOTHER divorce.  I was embarrassed and sad, wondering if my mom would be okay to go to heaven.  I heard not a word from anybody in my church or school about it.  It seemed it wasn’t to be talked about.  I look back and wonder why no one could have made it clear to me that I was okay, that my sister was okay, that my mom was okay.  This man’s drug addiction, which he chose over us in the long run, was him not doing his marital duties.  He essentially deserted us.  The comfort I would have had in hearing that sort of understanding from the church would have changed my life, I think.  But no, I avoided having friends come over, avoided ever talking about my family.  And when the 6^th commandment came around in class, I remember not wanting to go to school that day. 

I went to school that day.  No one clarified anything to me or comforted me or anything.  To their credit, maybe they didn’t know I was struggling with such things, and maybe I should have asked.  But what twelve-year-old is going to raise her hand in class at a religious school and say, “Is my mom’s divorce okay?”  That would never happen. 

Eventually I came to my senses a little.  I looked into it myself and started putting things together.  I realized, my mom’s divorce was biblically sound.  Still, that didn’t mean I wasn’t treated differently.   I went to a Christian high school, and not many people there had divorced or separated parents.  Even though I started to get my school life on track and realized I didn’t have to be the wounded, naughty student, it didn’t stop certain things in my life.  I had a serious boyfriend for about two years, who ultimately broke up with me because my parents were divorced.  He said he “just couldn’t deal with it and felt like he could never marry me.”   Couldn’t marry me … we were just kids in high school!  But it showed me again how divorced persons are perceived as having committed some heretical sin.  My boyfriend knew the whole story and still felt that way.  It is infuriating. 

Divorce is hard on children.  As a small child and even as a teenager, dealing with your parents splitting and the conflict and assumptions around you – it is really hard.  I always wanted to be the pastor’s daughter whom everyone loved and had “no problems.” As silly as that is, it was impossibly hard to think that you will always be looked at like you’re sinful because your parents are divorced. 

God knows that mistakes are made.  I’m not saying he approves or is okay with sin, but he knows we humans are sinful.  Sometimes divorce can be looked at by some people as about the worst of sins.  Why is that the case?  One sort of sinner is not better than another.  People who get divorced—even not for biblical reasons—can be forgiven.   Our focus shouldn’t be on the stigma of certain sins, but on the repentance and faith of the sinner. 

Now the real question is: What can we do about this?  It goes further than just divorce. What about the people who struggle with other challenges and sins?  People who are judged for their circumstances can be turned off by such judgment.  I’m not saying to accept people in their sins, absolutely not.  But we need to show patience and understanding.  Both law and gospel need to be applied.  Struggling sinners are forgiven because Jesus died for them.

Also, do not make assumptions.  You do not know the story behind a divorce most of the time.   Do not assume everyone who is divorced came to that position by pursuing sin.  Some have been deeply hurt and sinned against.  And we have no clue what is in another person’s heart. Approach persons with support and with loving words.  That could be all they need to begin healing.

The point of this article is not to complain about how challenging my childhood was or how everyone around me handled things wrong.  That is not true.  Although my childhood had rough spots, it was not horrible.  I am writing this to raise awareness of things that could be happening if we are open to helping one another.  Life is hard; we are sinful people.  What is most important—in fact, the ONLY thing that is ultimately important—is what Christ did for us.  “God gave his one and only Son, that whoever believes in him may not perish but have eternal life” (John 3:16).    Let us praise our Lord above for being a gracious loving God who forgives all sins.  And let us seek to help and forgive each other, rather than making life even more difficult for those who’ve been affected by hurtful sins.