I have never had a lot of self-esteem, and I still don't
have much. It may not seem like it on the outside, but it's true. My lack of
self-esteem has caused me to put up barrier after barrier, and I'm not quick to
take them down.
Growing up, there were many things that contributed to this. I was bullied, I
didn't have a lot of friends, I was not skinny like I was supposed to be, I was
a "nerd," and so on. Most of the kids in my grade school made me feel like I wasn't worth anything until they needed my help for
something.
High school was better, but I still wasn't skinny, I still was a "nerd," I
was the teachers' pet, etc. Things actually were better, but in my mind, they
weren't. It was during high school that I started to become involved in several
activities. It was my way to feel important. I made sure that I gave more
than my best, even if it made me stressed, unhappy, and even depressed. I had
turned into a perfectionist with little to no self-esteem.
I have now had two years of college under my belt, and I'm happy to say that in
some ways, things have gotten better. However, I'm still a perfectionist. I
strive to give my best no matter what, but more often that not I find myself
falling short. It is because of this that my self-esteem goes up and
down. I still lack confidence in my own abilities, and I set very high
standards for myself that are oftentimes far beyond my reach. I still bury
myself in activities that I love and enjoy, because I want to feel like I belong
or that I can succeed. I struggle with the fact that I don't like parts of
myself--such as how I look or how I act. Yet I know that God made me unique in
my own way, and that he loves me for who I am. I struggle with feeling like I
don't fit in or belong. I struggle with wanting to be something or someone I'm
not.
While this seems like it's all bad, it's not. Being very
involved gives me something to work hard at and enjoy. It's good that I strive
to give my best in everything I do. Being the way I am gives me the
opportunity to look at things differently and understand others going through
the same thing. I find myself constantly encouraging others, because I know
what the opposite feels like.
Things have been getting better, but I know I have quite a way to go yet. I
know that I can never be perfect, and there are so many passages that I find
comfort in--ones that show me that I'm important, that I'm worth something,
that I am God's child. (A few such verses are shown at the bottom of this blog post.)
It truly is such a blessing to know that because of
Christ's death and resurrection, I don't need to be perfect. I am saved no
matter what; it doesn't depend on what I look like or how I act. I am perfect in
God's eyes, and that's what matters.
Comfort in the Scriptures:
- So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand. All who rage against you will surely be ashamed and disgraced (Isaiah 41:10-11).
- Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged, for the Lord your God will be with you wherever you go (Joshua 1:9).
- God is our refuge and strength, an ever-present help in trouble. He says, “Be still, and know that I am God; I will be exalted among the nations, I will be exalted in the earth" (Psalm 46:1,10).
- Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light (Matthew 11:28-30).
- And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose. ... In all things we are more than conquerors through him who loved us. For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord (Romans 8:28, 37-39).
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