Journeying toward forgiveness

In one of my classes this summer, participants were asked to write a doctrinal or personal article, pondering some aspect of our faith in Christ.  Desiree Alge penned a very personal account and has graciously granted permission for me to share her story here on The Electric Gospel blog.  I deeply admire Desiree for her openness and willingness to talk about difficulties in life and overcoming them through Christ.

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Forgiveness -- My Journey

by Desiree Alge

When children wrong their friends or their family, they are taught to apologize and ask for forgiveness. The trouble we find, though, is that it is simple to say the words, but to actually mean them is a bigger task. Sure, everyone makes mistakes, but coming clean and admitting the wrong you’ve done takes much more courage. And even harder is the challenge of forgiveness. 

Sometimes I wonder if my mother was ever taught this fundamental lesson. After a rough childhood, she chose to follow the same path as her parents, with alcohol and drugs consuming her life. This vicious cycle led her to be these same people she hated. She became a wife and a mother at sixteen, divorced at eighteen, and was sent to prison several times in her young life. Because of the custody battles, I was sent back and forth between homes until I was six years old. During those years, I was left alone for days, stranded to take care of my baby brother and sister. I was surrounded by parties with alcohol, drugs, and drunk men. I dreaded the days my grandma dropped me off with my mother, and anxiously awaited her arrival to take me home with her. Even years after, my mom bribed me with gifts, but always failed to show up after I’d be waiting on the porch for hours. I felt let down, alone, and unworthy. 

I never realized how hurt I was until I became older. Until recently, I hadn’t spoken or seen my mother in over ten years! Our first conversation left me bitter and angry. It contained no apologies or even a hint of regret. I caught myself thinking, “It’s impossible to forgive someone when they don’t even care!” 

As I was contemplating all of the mean names I could call my mother, my mind led me to the cross. If Christ had this same attitude towards me as I did towards my mom, I would be sunk. There have been so many times in my life where I’ve been defiant, knowing right from wrong, yet choosing the wrong path. I’ve also ignored repentance, thinking that, “I’m forgiven anyways, so what’s the big deal?” If God decided to forgive only based on apologies received, I would have a lot of sins still on my slate. If Jesus forgives all of the terrible sins that I’ve committed, then who am I to withhold forgiveness from a fellow sinner in desperate need of God’s love?

I am human. I am sinful. I hold bitterness in my heart. I don’t want to be a prisoner to my mother or to resentment. I don’t want her to have this hold on me. Although I may feel like I’m punishing her by withholding forgiveness, I’m actually only hurting myself. The path to heal bitterness is through forgiveness.

No one deserves for their errors to be wiped clean -- neither me nor my mother. We are on the same level of sin, no matter the earthly opinion. Whether I’m disrespectful or a liar, I deserve the same eternal punishment just like someone who neglected and abused her children. The words that stem from “forgive” are mentioned in the Bible 127 times and the concept is written many more! It is obviously a beautiful message that God wanted us to know and to live. Because of God’s forgiveness and grace, we receive eternal life! In Ephesians, it says: “Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you” (Ephesians 4:32). Why wouldn’t we want to share that peace with others?